Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
