xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
