Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
