Pants 0. Shit 1.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
