Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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