i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
