I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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