Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Please don't give away my fajitas
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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