your parents love me but you hate me
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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