Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
