OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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