On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
