dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
