and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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