On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
