I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
