Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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