3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
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I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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