Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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