Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
