"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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