honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
