Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My bed smells like the plague
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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