She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
