In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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