i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It's just like the Real World with babies
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
