im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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