i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
