my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
