If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
