I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
