Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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