11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
