She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
