i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
