At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
