Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
