I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
