Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You're like the curious george of whores
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
