Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
