I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
