My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
