Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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