Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
