i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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