glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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