this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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