If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
