i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
