she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
