I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
