if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
