i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
