its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
