I want to make a zoo with you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
