I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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