mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
