apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
